Pancreatitis. DO NOT WANT.

I was set free from my hospital prison on Monday. After an 11 day stint with pancreatitis. And I can now tell you, from first hand experience, that you do not want pancreatitis. No really. It isn’t fun.

It’s up there, so they say, with gallstones (which would actually suck more, as they’re one of the primary causes of pancreatitis anyway) and kidney stones as one of the most painful conditions you can get. Only beaten by giving birth, or so I’m told. Anyway, for those of you not bothered to read the Wikipedia article (that’s all of you then), pancreatitis is basically spontaneous inflammation of your pancreas. This can have many causes, from getting drunk to getting pregnant (which, might I add, I was neither), but it can basically lead to the enzymes that the pancreas produces activating, so leading to your pancreas basically eating itself.

And that hurts, damnit! Though luckily, pancreatitis can have many complications and I didn’t get any of them, which surprised me somewhat, given my track record with medical complications. I also got one of those cool buttons that gives you a shot of morphine (or something similar) when you press it. Unfortunately, there’s a 5 minute lock out period to prevent you OD’ing yourself. Worse still, they still accused me of being “trigger happy”, and took it away from me! Bastards! If my stomach hurts and the button’s glowing, I’m going to press the freaking button, aren’t I? Especially when you specifically said “Don’t worry, you can’t go over the top with this, it’s got a 5 minute lockout.”

Anyway, as you A-level biologists will know, the pancreas produces lipases to deal with fats, and proteases to deal with proteins (amongst other things). So to give my pancreas a rest, I had to have a zero protein and zero fat diet, which doesn’t really leave you with much, if you think about it. Mmm, unflavoured rice, anyone? They gave me these super-high carb drinks to stop me losing weight. They called them “Elementals”, and on the cartons they came in it said “A nutritious, palatable drink for special dietary needs.” or something. Palatable. They describe their own drink as palatable. Not “tasty”, “delicious” or even “fruity”, but palatable. If they don’t even have the confidence to market their own product on their packaging, you can imagine what they tasted like. And I had to have 6 a day. Lovely.

Anyway, having gone in on the Thursday, I came out of my stay in Hotel Frossard 11 days later on the Monday, thoroughly relieved and getting back to a diet that’s better than “palatable”.

Also, unrelated, but my Uncle’s doing a sponsored half marathon to raise money for CLIC Sargent, the children’s cancer charity that’s been so helpful to me and many others so far. If you’re feeling generous, please donate, the box is on the right hand side, under “just giving”, with “Nick Gill’s donation page” scrolling along.

17 thoughts on “Pancreatitis. DO NOT WANT.

  1. Adam,

    Thought I would add the ‘SPLASH’ thing in before anyone else had chance. LOL! And for the record, I still maintain that Lake Geneva was ‘quite mild’ for March!

    Anyway, i’m glad you are back home! I think I will take your word for the ‘pallatable’ drinks, they sound hideous. I am sure your Mum and Dad will feed you up in no time!

    Next time I see you we must have a few of those maple pecan pastries! Its a legitimate weight gaining exercise. Cough! LOL! Any excuse eh?!

    Good to see you blogging again,


  2. Thank bloody god you’re back again. Geez you really have had it all now (not wanting to tempt fate). You start getting better, you hear me? No more l’Hotel de Frossard for you matey.

    Damn straight child birth tops pancreatitis, although remembering how you looked with it does put me off the whole concept somewhat – you on morphine however…priceless. See you next weekend my dear one xxx

  3. p.s. what’s Davidoff on about now? Swimming in lakes fully clothed, wearing beige linen trousers that went, regrettably, see through – with you walking through Geneva in front and me behind to cover up the culprit’s wet foot prints? Who *does* something like that?

  4. thanks for the advice I’ll try and give pancreatitis a miss. sure you were very sweet on morphine but I prefer that surly glare as I know it’s the real you!how was breakfast today??

  5. Yeah, me too – I wouldn’t have been able to see where I was going! Adam has always been the way forward with navigation! (Alex, remember us almost getting lost with satnav on the way to Manchester? LOL! How on earth could that happen?!!?!?)

    Tim, I hold you solely responsible for the Geneva ‘incident’! 😉 Had you not started the very factual, yet intriguing conversation on ‘water temperature’, none of this would have happened! Honest! 🙂 I am glad the whole ‘drippy’ scenario is well and truly consigned to the history books – I hope! (No come backs please! LOL! Come on, I asked nicely! Alex and Adam – surely you have exhausted this topic on facebook and every other medium numerous times! LOL!)

    Glad you had a good breakfast Adam – how did it shape up to the ‘Yukon Big Bite’ in Vancouver? How’s your Dad coping with missing cutlery these days? Are there any spoons at large these days? LOL!

    So glad your back home and free of ‘palatable’ drinks!


  6. probably because you were the one in control of the sat nav! Dread to think what you’re like with just a map!

    speaking of cutlery…I swear we’re down on spoons here too….Dad!?!

  7. I intend to spare myself all this pain by never having children or being drunk.
    You really do have all the luck don’t you, what’s this, the third condition? You might set some Guiness World Record with all this. Just out of interest what is morphine like? I hope to never require it because it would mean I’d be in serious pain or a druggie. I think the first is more likely. Did you check out the ingredients of your “palatable” drink? Was it a flavour even? I wonder if there is anyone out there who enjoys them.
    I’m glad to see the update!

  8. Pancreatitus sounds awful, but,as you said, for those of us who have given birth the pain is worse!!I think you need a dose of your mother and myself at PB – I am sure that will make you feel much better, or possibly worse! Keep your chin up and just think of us every time the drip beelps. Lots of love Judie xx

  9. And who set the bloody sat nav? LOL! All I remember doing is switching it off! LOL!

  10. if anything, your condition has actually taught me a couple of specific functions of the pancreas which I can whip out, like Zorro with a pointed metal stick, in the awful event of an exam coming up.

    I honestly couldn’t believe it when I heard about this for the first time “Pancreatitus AS WELL?!”

    I can’t imagine what this has been like, except for the morphine. And even then, it was for a broken arm that was essentially fixed in the morning. Next time, ask to snort it, I found that mildly amusing : )

    Good to hear from you again man.

  11. I very much enjoyed that film poster that you made! Although I never really pictured our rock like friend as the film star type.
    Have you found the white minstrals yet 😛 ? xxx

  12. Ouch. To all of that. Now I understand the amazing sounding breakfast on the last blog. And to think I was getting jealous thinking what I wouldn’t give to have that meal. Well on the bright side, just think how invincible to everything you will be after all of this. Pain will mean nothing. Can’t say the same about diets though. Sounds like a seared memory. On a more personal note, is this Nick fella who’s running the marathon the one posting wicked comments a little ways back? If so I suppose this counts as penance. If not I think you guys aren’t telling me the whole story here. Someone needs to throw a dog a bone here.

  13. Hi Nick. we know who that guy is….he is one of my cheeky friends who walks his dog down our lane. Hope he bags his dog’s poop and dispose of it in a bin.

  14. Hey gilly, hows everything going now. I just got informed about the page to add comments on so thought id say hay and that me and jack came across the army feild chicken tape lol which was vv funny. this comment had abosulty nothing to with your blog post but what the hay lol

  15. Right oh – have uploaded a link to Uncle Nick’s site on my ‘facebook thing’ as you so kindly put it. Heard you had a nice day with M and D earlier. Tres jealous. Bet you missed me (don’t deny it). speak to you soon stinks xxx

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